The Cute and the Scream balance eachother out, I think.

Margot is five weeks old and an all encompassing whirlwind of baby. Her eyes are still trending towards blue, though it's still too early to say where they'll end up. We love her. She smells neat. She has cool hair.


She still wants to eat every two hours. Even through the night. She's difficult to impossible to put down to sleep. I know all the advice and the routines and the suggestions that go along with this sort of thing. And to that I say, "I'm trying." But she keeps ending up in the bed with us.

I don't blame her. It's a really comfy bed. And it always smells totally awesome. Like milk and spit up and scattered nursing pads and that super part where a diaper leaked.


She starts off at 6:30a.m., right before my alarm goes off, with these awesome smiles. She gets excited and kicks and waves her hands. She eats and plays with Penn while I take a shower before school drop off.

She's the most charming thing in the world until around 6 o'clock p.m. My neighbor referred to this as "the witching hour." I might believe her.


I am letting work start up again. Slowly, although I'm extremely unsure about how I can realistically make deadlines with this tiny human, still so tiny.

I'd blog more, but it's hard when the late night lack of crying is so great that I am instantly lulled into dreamland by the sweet sweet silence.

But crap she's cute.

Florida -> Texas (belated)

After my sides of the family came to visit the newborn, Daniel's sister and her brood hauled in from Florida. We had three boys in the house, ages 4, 5 and 7! Penn had his first real sleep over.

When I first met Daniel's family in Florida I was scared stiff and trying not to collapse under the pressure of meeting this smart and opinionated military woman and mother who was going to tower over me from the tops of her legs up to here. I had my fingers crossed for weeks before the trip that the sweet and shining part of Penn would be the personality that we packed to take with us.

It doesn't happen every day that you fall in love with your common-law-in-law, so I guess that was just a lucky day. They're fantastic. :)


Seeing as how this is a belated post and I'm running on an infants sleep schedule combined with a kindergartner's new school schedule I can't quite recall what we did while they were here. There was a lot of eating and cooking and washing dishes. There was a lot of boy noise and cars and transformers and wii.


There were a lot of strawberries and cantaloupe and coffee and leftovers. Mostly there was a lot of talking all in person and face to face and around a big dinner table and holy fun.


I'm still trying to convince them to have a girl so Margot will have someone to play with too.

We're so grateful everyone is getting to come. The parade of Margot continues.

Baby Catcher

Yesterday I went in for the great postpartum checkup. As the nurse left me to don the one-size-fits-everyone-but-me-open-in-the-front gown she said, "If Margot gets fussy I have a whole team of nurses out here that would be more than happy to hold her." I had already passed the eager faces of baby loving women as we went through the office. Since Margot was slowly climbing Fussy Mountain and preparing to fling herself off and see if anyone could catch her before our eardrums burst from the infant sized sonic boom or our hearts burst from the sweetest little quivering bottom lip, I told the nurse they were welcome to entertain her if they wanted.

I don't know who was happier, Margot or the nurses. Also, she never jumped. Our ears and hearts were saved.

On the other side of the door I could hear the cooing and compliments. They opened the door occasionally to ask questions about her name or to tell me how alert she was. Indeed she was being paraded around, holding her tiny head up high seemingly by the crook of her Miller eyebrows, craning this way and that at the new things to see. I heard Dr. Griffith walk by and say, "Well that really is a pretty one, isn't it."

I passed the check up with flying colors. I basked in the glowing compliments of how I'm "all back to normal" and "so skinny" and how awesome I was in the delivery room. Being good at birthing was never really a life goal but Dr. Griffith said I was great and strong and I was a good candidate for a home birth if I ever wanted. And really, when your male ob who has been practicing since 1978 says you're free to have your next kid on your own, he's giving you a pretty big compliment.

I'm holding out steady at 98 pounds but, miserably, I still can't get a single pair of my jeans buttoned. I know. Patience.

I grabbed a photo of Dr. Griffith and Margot with my cell phone before we left. He's a competent, sweet and gentle doctor with a kind staff. He speaks so candidly and frankly and comfortably about my body that I don't even flinch when this graying man starts refering to my uterus and etc. They took great care of us through the pregnancy and I think he did a fine job caring for me during the birth. I go back in a month to ironically discuss the opposite of pregnancy...birth control. Oh the times we live in.

And so it begins

Penn started Kindergarten on Monday. He's been waiting on this for so long! It was with great excitement this month that we completed registration, went to "kindergarten socials," met his teacher, bought school supplies, tried on uniforms and got one more haircut.

Penn wakes at 6:30 to his very own alarm clock (because I'm not taking any chances, heh) puts on the clothes laid out for him, makes his bed and then runs down the hallway to wake me up. Because Margot wakes at 6:30 to eat I can hear the bustling sounds of him getting ready.

He likes school. We both like his teacher. He loves lunch! He said parts of school were boring because they weren't learning anything and the books she read were kindergarten stories, but, you know, there's a bucket of play dough, two tire swings and a secret wave for the principal and that's neat. There's a girl in his class named Carissa. He said he told her his mom's name is Carissa, but nobody really cared.

On Monday's very first school drop off ever I parked the car and the gaggle of children walking around us made my milk drop like two ton boulders. I realized, I had forgotten to wear nursing pads. For a second I imagined me sitting in the car with Margot and a wet shirt while Daniel got to do all the fun stuff. Then Daniel ripped open one of the tissue boxes out of Penn's school supply bag. Sorry class. One box is going to be two tissues short.

Penn is such a sweet clever boy. He's athletic and coordinated and funny. When we dropped him off he looked around at his crying classmates clinging to their parents wondering what was wrong with them. When I pick him up he is tired and hungry. He changes from school clothes into play clothes and runs outside to ride his "bike without training wheels."

I love him.

So much.

Arkansas -> Texas (belated)

My dad (Papa) and my grandmother (Nana) came over from the south after my mom and siblings headed back north. They were here only one day. With exquisite timing I ended up with a fever and a likely mastitis.

At one point Nana said, "Carissa I'm talking to you and you're not listening to a word I'm saying." And I was all, "Huh? Wha? Where am I?"

My fragile determination to go on was stopped quickly by Daniel who sent me to bed with the baby and we nursed and slept the entire day. I barely got to see them and only got the two photos posted here.


I knew the mastitis was coming on and pumped like a mad woman to try and avoid it. Thankfully it was short lived. Go boobs. The whole bed + nursing + pain killer for a day thing is apparently some of the best medicine. See also, Chinese food in bed.

I barely saw my family, but I'm so glad they drove so far to see us and welcome little Margot! Penn had a blast. He's one of the few young children I know who embraces those using walkers as easily as those rolling on the floor tickling him.

Love.

Penn loses tooth and wheels

Penn just lost his first tooth in a burrito! The one next to it isn't far off and the top ones are "kind of wiggly." It took him a long time to decide what to do with the tooth. Which reminds me of a conversation he had with his cousin that I heard second-hand:

Penn: I'm going to give it to the tooth fairy!
Cade: The tooth fairy isn't real.
Penn: Yes she is.
Cade: No, Jesus said she isn't real.
Penn: Jesus is dead.
Cade: No he isn't.
Penn: Well, he only comes back at Easter

Penn decided to give it to her, even though he kind of wanted to keep it. Fortunately, he got a dollar and for some reason she left him the tooth!


Then we went to the park where Daniel taught Penn how to ride his bike without training wheels for the first time!





We celebrated with Cherry Lime Aids and cheesy tots. We encountered a "crazy bird" that looked really sick and thumped into my car a bit and discussed Sonic Ice to great length. We think you Sonic Ice fans are just plain weird.

I'm proud of him! He's had to do a lot of growing up lately and he's meeting all of those challenges despite himself. I mean that in the nicest way. The subtle mental growing up that is more difficult to describe to you is peppered with the physical milestones like bike riding and losing baby teeth that are easier to share.

While PBS keeps telling him, "It's okay to ask for help!" I'm constantly saying, "No, you have to do it yourself." Or, "Yes you can do it. Keep trying." And he can. He totally can. I wouldn't make him do it if he were not capable. But I'm not sure how to make him understand I'm not just being mean. Or maybe I do, but I don't have the patience or stomach for the kind of exorbitant fluffy coddling my son prefers TO GET HIM TO OPEN THE BATHROOM CABINET AND REACH FOR HIS TOOTHBRUSH.

Totally serious example.

But he does it eventually and eventually he'll do it without me raising my voice and without arguing with me about it. And without sniffing, "Whhhhyyyy won't you hellllllp meeee?"

Kid should be a lawyer, I swear to you.

Penn is the coolest little boy I know.

Another instance where I was totally wrong

Before Margot came I told Daniel, "We are anti-pacifier." Because I was 40 weeks pregnant, he cast his I-am-totally-taking-you-seriously eyes, nodded his head sweetly and agreed.

Since I breastfeed exclusively, introducing a pacifier early isn't a great idea anyway, but I have no real logical reason for not liking pacifiers. I just don't. I don't like the words "binky" or "passy." I don't like pastel colored rubber things and their potential to get dropped in something gross and then sucked on.

I don't like the idea of giving a child something and then taking it away. I think the fewer things there are to throw a tantrum over the fewer tantrums there will be. I was adamant that Penn not have a pacifier. Luckily he didn't cry much or for long, was easy to soothe and learned self soothing techniques early. (By the way, where did that kid go?) So of course in the end, because all babies are the same, I danced the jig one dances when she is right yet again.

And then came Margot.

DUHN-DUhn-duhhhhnnnnn

Okay, she's not really that bad. But she has rightly earned the name Margot McFussy Pants. She is either so totally sweetly chilled out and laid back..... or completely up in arms about something I can't figure out.

She's just not thrilled to have things moving through her intestines and from the echoing Ka-Boom! it makes when it comes out the other end, perhaps I wouldn't be either.

I can comfort more often than not because I get to be the mom and we have magical powers over babies, although I'm not able to conjure said powers every time. But I'm not the only one taking care of Margot.

Imagine!

*grin*

I wanted Daniel to have as many options at hand to make her happy. Because really loud brain stopping sounds can come out of this baby's mouth with only the warning of a swift Miller forehead wrinkle and a quivering bottom lip.

Let there be pacifier.

I haven't given it to her too much. She's not a big fan. She is going to win some sort of spitting contest when she's older given her ability to pa-tooey it across the room. She makes lots of strange noises when she does take it. Actually Margot makes lots of strange noises all the time.

But honestly, the five minutes of sweet soothing non-wailing moments that pacifier has bestowed so far has made me a believer.

With Penn I quickly got past the Obnoxious Idealistic Mother stage funded by the latest parenting book of the best, most holistic, nurturing, fantastical super human way to raise a genius organic veggie .org kid. It's possible when Penn was born I was drowning in the ideal of how to "raise an infant" or constantly looking for validation on how I was raising an infant.

I feel so much more confident this time. It's possible because this time I'm less concerned with "raising something perfectly" and more immersed in just being part of a family. This is the way it's supposed to be.

\
Happy.

Michigan -> Texas (belated)

Margot came home her first day to meet her Grandma Jeanne, Aunt Lise and Uncle Tyler who had just gotten off the plane from Michigan. Grandpa Willard videoed their departure.


It all felt a bit familiar remembering my mom holding Penn the same way five years ago.


Penn's adoration for Margot is still growing, if that is possible. Part of me is thrilled and part of me is really tired of hearing, "Can I kiss/hold/see/touch/watch her?"


While my family was here he began looking for things to fill his paternal needs. His stuffed animals had babies. He needed a bottle and since I'm breastfeeding I gave him a bottle we got for free somewhere. He adopted eggs from the refrigerator, named them, gave them faces and carried them everywhere. He mourned their cracking for a long time. He keeps stealing my hand towels and swaddling everything. I can see his little eyes peeled for more things to nurture.


New babies are so distracting and time consuming we had to make a few conscious efforts to squeeze in some real playtime with Penn. Daniel got him a football and it appears Penn can throw a spiral.


Aunt Lise toted him on her back and played chase with Ringo.


Goodbyes were swift and merciful. We were so exhausted we managed to not cry.


On another note, my family is incapable of taking a really really good group portrait. I don't now why I'm sitting like that, other than maybe it's crowded and the camera remote only reaches so far. I just had that bundle of joy so I'm not feeling very fit. It's something like 10:30 p.m., I think, and Penn is in a state of complete toddler delirium and denial of such mood. But....we tried.

My mom and I talk pretty frequently, but I can't remember the last time I saw my sister! I saw my brother last year, but he's going to Norway for University and I won't see him for two more years. They all make me miss Michigan. Oddly, we all do everything the same way. Mom must have some strong genes to bestow all that cooking and cleaning into the three of us.

I'm so lucky they got to come!

Anomnomnommyhand

Anomnomnommyhand
Originally uploaded by dealingwith

Daniel's morning video. I could watch this all day. Oh wait.....I do watch this all day.

Immediate Family

In a perfect world I wanted two weeks to ourselves. I wanted Margot in a private and patient piece of time. I wanted Daniel and his paternity leave and Penn not yet in school. I wanted two weeks to lay around and feel my tiny family fall even more in love and into itself. I wanted to meet my new baby and take our time figuring one another out. I wanted to heal. I was ready to enjoy the shifts in time, the cooing and cuddling and the dawn of a new soul that I was responsible for sending out someday, whole and into the world.




But this is not a perfect world and twenty days later it is finally just the four of us. It's been a happy whirlwind of family and company and it's always a blessing to watch the dining room table fill all the way up, but I feel like I'm just now getting the opportunity to breathe. I am just now through the door where I can think and see again. Just because the body can walk doesn't mean it will or even wants to. That is perhaps too vague or abstract a line.

Twenty days have passed and I'm not sure I've gotten to do anything at all.






Margot is stunning. She is bright eyed and lively and growing. She is hungry and most comfortable curled into a sweet pink ball in the middle of our bed. Penn is growing mentally and physically before my eyes. I'd swear he's gained 20 pounds. His face is filling out, his feet are growing longer and he is excited about kindergarten. Daniel is a rock of amazing. A caring and adoring cornerstone for all of us. This is the good stuff.

Although I mourn a little the time I didn't get, I am celebrating the time I have had this month surrounded by people I love.

Life is so so good.

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