the proposal

we have a lovely little apartment that houses mommy, daddy, baby, two cats, and a swimmy wet fish. (do the ants count? yes? okay. and a host of ants who come here to die.) this thanksgiving we managed to also squeeze in two great grandmothers, a grandfather, a grandmother, an aunt, an uncle, a cousin and a couple of friends to celebrate the holidays as well as penn's first birthday.

we had a cake, which we did not eat, because we didn't, and not because they put "happy birthday penny" on there instead of "penn." we had turkey and stuffing and squash and zuccini and mashed potatoes and gravy and apple pie. and penn-----he postponed a much needed nap in order to open the TON of presents bestowed on him. thank you, everyone for your generosity.

benji had been working long and hard on a surprise video for penn on his first birthday. a surprise, even to me. he even had to stay up all night the night before the birthday in order to finish it. the next morning, when penn and i awoke, benji was gone. ben's mother, who was staying with us, said he had to go to the office. i figured he was unable to work with all the company and went to work there. but then, i found his computer in the linen closet. his mother came running into the bathroom telling me i couldn't look at the computer.

(for future reference, benji, the linen closet is not a good place to hide anything because i am in it several times a day, all day long, what with all the drooly clothes and spills and what not rags that get thrown in there. however, i do not go in your closet all that often, so you should probably hide things in there from now on. also, laptops sitting there with the towels BEG to be looked at, you know.)

so. i didn't look at the computer. benji came back. after we opened penn's presents that afternoon we turned on the tv to watch benji's surprise video.

he said to me, "now i have a present for you, but you can't open it until the video is over." and he tossed me a ringbox. A RINGBOX. and i sat there, shaking and weird and curious and benji got out the video camera and sat right in front of me to capture all the shaking and weirdness.

the music was ben harper's "when she believes" carrying the line, "there is nothing as beautiful as when she believes . . ." beautiful pictures of ben and penn and i fade in and out.

the video says:
this is not a proposal.
and i'm not asking you a question.
i want to give you something, if you will recieve it.
something that represents a promise.
it doesn't have any diamonds,
because i know you don't like diamonds.
and there's not much hoopla,
because i know that you're a minimalist.
and i believed you when you said you didn't want a ring.
but it's actually three things in one.
just like us.
and what it represents is
the past
the present
and the future.
i am my past.
and you are my present.
and he is our future.
the first memory i have of you is sitting in the porch swing on walker at two in the morning.
you told me you didn't want kids.
and i told you i didn't believe you.
then you moved with me to dallas.
you told me several times, "i've never moved for a guy before."
the next thing i knew you instant messaged me that i should come home.
i knew what you were going to tell me.
and when i walked in, i could see the restraint on your face.
how much you were holding back, until you saw my reaction.
most women say, "i'm pregnant."
you said to me with conviction, "you're going to be a daddy."
i started crying. and then i smiled.
and then you started crying.
we said nothing and hugged for ten minutes.
my promise to you is that i will always be a daddy.
and that i will always love the mommy.
we are going to carry that boy as far as we can up the mountain.
and we are going to give him a compass.
and we're going to teach him to keep walking.
because although he may get to the top without us.
we're never going anywhere without him.
this ring represents the three of us.
the past, present, and future.
and just like us
it's bonds can never be broken.
you make everything i do better.
and everything i am honorable.
you are my little muse.
and so is he.

there we all were, much of the family, and not a dry eye in the house. including myself.

it is a proposal, for all convential purposes, but it's different and personal and in a way that makes sense to benji and i, because all the traditional marriage stuff isn't our gig.

and it's so perfect. i can't explain just how perfect. the ring is perfect. three white gold bands that are loose, but connected and a word engraved on the inside of each ring: past, present, and future. it is perfectly "me."

i put it on, and benji corrected me when i put it on the "wrong" finger. "that's my girl," benji said, "most women are envisioning what that's going to look like from ten years on. carissa doesn't even know what finger to put it on."

i'm so surprised. i had no idea benji was thinking of this. not a clue. he said he was tired of calling me his "baby's momma." i harassed him and drove him crazy through the making of the video, "can i see it? are you done?" i thought it was for penn. i told penn i was sorry, i think i stole his thunder on his first birthday party.

it's weird, how having this ring on my finger makes me feel. butterflies inside. more permanent. more right, maybe. more whole, maybe. for now, just weird. and good.

we watched the video again that night and i cried again. i may cry every time it gets put in. i hope like crazy i can find a way to post it to the blog so everyone can share in the beauty that is our family.

so, i don't know if we're going to have an actual ceremony, or anything. i don't at all envision myself wearing the white dress and walking down the aisle. i don't imagine at all a big white cake or anyone in a tuxedo. mmmm, perhaps i can imagine the honey moon, but i definetly can't imagine leaving the baby anywhere. *sheepish grin.*

i want the world to know, that my benji is one of the most special people on the planet. a creative genius, thoughtful, kind, caring, responsible, and he's a great talent for making people feel so important and so valued. he is the best daddy. he is the best at flying the baby around the house and rolling him up in the comforter. he's always got a pickle or a cookie or a cheez-it, and penn is quite happy for all of those things. he's the best at jumping in with all the kids at the park and letting them run circles around him and make fun of him for not knowing spanish. he is the best and most determined at understanding himself and he is pretty damned good at helping me understand myself. he is the best at rubbing my feet absolutley whenever i ask him to. not in all three years we have been together, has he once turned down my foot rubbing request. he has provided for penn and i more than we could ever need and he doesn't bitch more than he should about the amount of the grocery bill.

there is so much about benji to be thankful for. he is more. we're always saying, "you couldn't ask for more," meaning that we've recieved the best. but no. benji is more. the best.

i love you, benji!

happy 1st birthday, son

dear penn,

on november 27th, at 5:47 a.m., you turned one year old. i've been thinking a lot lately, about the past two years, since you started this whole thing in my belly. i am so thankful for you and find it ever so appropriate that you made your first appearance on thanksgiving day instead of the predicted december 2nd, which i knew was wrong. they said i should gain one pound a day and i was pretty on schedule with that, but not one more pound of you was going to fit in me, i promise. your 7 lbs., 1 oz, was quite enough, i assure you.

it took 13 hours to get you out. despite the labor of labor i would repeat those 13 hours over and over again every day for you. and let me tell you, son, because you're a little man and you'll never really know; that is quite a lot i just said.

your life has changed so many other lives, especially mine and your daddy's. without the ability of conversational language you are able to point out our greatest strengths and our greatest weaknesses. your existence pushes us on to our own goals of life and love and happiness and art in hopes these things will provide for you material and emotional substance.

you are able to make us laugh all the way down in our gut by doing the simplest things: putting your head all the way back so that you almost fall over, showing your tongue, finding my belly button, standing on your head, dancing and saying bye-bye. and you are able to find an odd, confused, muted rage in me when you throw your food on the floor or sling your cup everywhere bathing the house in apple juice or asking for food and chewing it and then spitting it out for me to later step on or eating handfulls of dirt or refusing to sit in your carseat or sticking your whole hand in my bowl of rice, right up to your wrist.

and you are able to scare me more than anything will ever scare me by your true desire to run into the street or attempting to eat pennies or sucking down some sour soy milk from a cup you hid from me, not to mention the things out of my control like all the crazies and accidents in the world.

today you told me you were tired by crawling into the bed and laying down. this, my son, is very impressive and i beg you to continue, especially at night around 9 o'clock. i crawled in with you, because you're pretty hard to resist and to ensure you have covers because i'm a nut like that. you curled up with your head on my shoulder, my arm wrapped around you and our bodies cuddled up in family warmth. we do this daily and it's about as close as we could possibly be without sticking you back in my belly, which is not going to happen.

gone are the days when your daddy and i cuddled to sleep. gone are the days when i could toss and turn as much as i pleased. gone are the days when your daddy and i could have fun conversations in the bed before falling asleep. gone are the days when the cats could sleep in the bed with us because since you became mobile the cats are far too distracting for you to even think about sleep, so we have to shut them out. let me tell you, they are pretty annoyed at this. especially the oldest cat, sexy sady, who is no longer the "baby" and has had to do endure some major adjustments in her life thanks to you.

but, we've traded it all in for moments when your daddy and i can sneak in the bedroom and stare at your beautiful round face and your little mouth open and drooling. we've traded our comfy bed in for 20 pounds that can miraculously take up an entire queen sized bed. we've traded in our old sleeping positions for awkward ones that allote for your space. we've traded in the ability to cough or sneeze in the bedroom. all for these wonderful moments when you are quiet and still and cuddly. so wonderful and quiet and still that i end up taking many naps with you because i just can't get out of the bed.

today, as we layed there, i stared at the painting i did long before you were born that is hanging on the wall in front of the bed. it's of a person standing on a hill surrounded by butterflies, though only i would know about the butterflies, because they are so abstract and have been painted over and smudged intentionally. the person on the hill is letting a butterfly go. you can tell this one is a butterfly.

the painting makes me a bit sad, because it reminds me that you will not always be here, one year old, cuddled into my shoulder, sleeping and loving and thinking your mom is the coolest person ever. one day i'll have to stand on that metaphorical hill and let my metaphorical butterfly go. and then i think it's quite appropriate that i have a butterfly tatooed on my ankle. not a frilly silly girly butterfly, but a really neat, sort of masculine tribal butterfly. the butterfly came, like the painting, before you. but, for some reason, it makes me think of you.

then again, everything makes me think of you.

you're a wonderful, spunky, intelligent little boy, penn. i wish you the best birthday ever in the whole entire world. i love you more than i ever knew i could love anything. you've taught me that there are no ends to love. i hope you enjoy the little popcorn popper walker thing and the football and the expanding glow in the dark universe ball that we got you. thank you. thank you thank you thank you.

love,
mom

today's snapshot section: the rest of 'em

meet benji. my baby's daddy. one of my greatest inspirations. one of my greatest supporters. one of my biggets annoyances. my little fireproof mulato. (one of those random name generators gave him this name and it stuck.) here he is singing on an american idol kareoke machine at toys r us. i'm so proud. haha. here are the last of the oh-so-fun weekend pictures.

today's snapshot section: the rest of 'em.

brandon joined in. he is apparently quite the lyracist. no evidence of that this go 'round. (hee)

he's happy to be up there. i swear.

this has family portrait potential written all over it . . .except that half my kids head is missing.

this was our hostess at the all good cafe. strangest thing bumping into her, because we used to work together at the bookstore! she's the cutest thing and i think i'm going to take pictures of her soon.

penn sat in benji's lap the whole long wait for our food. he amused himself by wearing his napkin, eating sugar packets and listening to our psychoanalysis of tom clancy readers. this is very cute because he's normally not one to chill for so long.

i wish i could remember what was said right before i took this picture.

the whole bunch.

i'm the stuffing

You Are the Stuffing

You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together. People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

today's section: david (or davey-dave-dave-dave, as i like to call him)

meet dave. the godfather. if you've been keeping up with the "todays section is:" posts you know that dave is one of benji's best friends and he and i used to be roomies. davey dave dave is one of the BEST people currently inhabiting the planet earth. warm, kind, generous, intelligent, funny, handsome, and a piss poor chess player, just like me. he's also jewish. hey, everyone has to have a niche. i adore david frankle so much i wish he'd just quit his silly memphis social worker job and crash at our place forever and ever and ever. *note sarcasim because david's job is not at all silly.* penn would definetly welcome david as a roomie because not only is david very fun to play with and doesn't mind at all when he crawls on him early in the morning, but he also bought him a really cool sesame street pop up toy at toys r us last weekend.

today's section: davey dave dave frankle.

here's david and penn hanging out at the all good cafe. they're laughing at an inside joke.

to david: you made the internet!!!!

today's section: brandon (or bran-done, as i like to call him)

after little debate we decided there was enough penn to go around and warrant two godfathers. meet brandon. i won't insult him by calling him "godfather #2" or "the second godfather." he is the "other one." and he was a guest at our house last weekend where we took a butt load of pictures. he is the taker of the lovely pics of penn and i posted yesterday. today's section: bran-done.

brandon and his "poisen root." ---don't ask me. that's just what he called it.

despite the fact that his lips match the playground bars behind him, he is not wearing lipstick, i swear.

brandon let penn write poetry on his laptop.

penn was pretty sure brandon didn't really need his "a" key.

here's where brandon says, "huh-uh, i do so need my 'a' key."

this is so true

"it's a small world": The happiest cruise that ever sailed!
Surreal and silly, or sweet and touching, you are a well
intentioned 1960s homage to the world's diversity that
unfortunatly inspires feelings of sheer terror in those who
can't help but feel something more sinister lays beneath
your shiney surface. But most cannot deny your charm,
even if they cannot explain it, and leave feeling better
than when they entered. Most overlook the fact
that because of your unique style and design,
courtesy of Disney Legend Mary Blair, you are a
true work of art and you deserve to be
appreciated. You are both worldy and
simplistic, both cosmopolitan and decidedly
middle American. You are a splendid
candy-coated contradiction with a sugary, sunny
song that one never forgets. If the world
truely listened to your never-ending optimism,
it could be a small world after all.


What Disneyland attraction are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

today's section: penn and mommy

because we had another photographer in my house and my camera romanced him good, we got lots of pictures of penn and i, for which i am grateful. i'm usually the one taking pics. so, i will bombard you for the next couple of days with this weekends pictures. today's section: penn and mommy.

here we've spotted the neighbors puppy, which penn really likes from afar and really hates close up and on top of us.

me and my watchful eye.

on the little gym

always fun stuff on the ground to look at.

here we are at the park watching our neighbors play. he's wearing the pimp hat i made him and his new outfit from the thrift store.

just the two of us

brandon and david are gone. *big frown* i miss them. they are two of benji's best friends dating back to grade school. when i moved to memphis we discovered that david and i lived in the same complex. big coinkydink, eh? when david's roomate moved out for a marriage that never happened, i decided to relocate from my one bedroom to his two bedroom to save us both some money. this was quite a transition from living by myself for so long. but, oh was it fun! david's the best roommate and he does dishes, plays chess on my level, and understands more than anyone any bitching i need to do about benji. (c'mon, everyone's gotta do it sometime.)

then benji got a job in dallas, and we shacked up in texas where i got knocked up and we had a baby, as any good parent would predict.

during the davey dave time i am quite proud to declare david and brandon two of my favorite people ever. they both share the title "godfather" to penn. brandon is a clever artistic genius man who will soon start post production on his latest film.

they intended to leave yesterday, but extended their stay one more day and left at 6 this morning. i didn't even get to say goodbye, really. just a quick hug as i headed to the bedroom to tend to penn's waking and pass out. all for the best, i suppose, as they're so much fun i may have drawn out the good bye, pouted a little, and bribed them to stay longer.

it was like a big family, living here. penn loved playing with them and stayed up late to do so because he was too excited to go to bed. when i did put him down he'd lay there and point at the door and smile. hee. "i know," i'd say. "the boys are out there and you want to play, but----you're cranky, and sleepy, and it's eleven o'clock, for god sakes!" and he'd pass out, ready to wake them all up, one by one, in the morning.

several pictures to come.

thanks so much for coming guys! we love you bunches and miss you lots. please come back and stay forever soon, okay?

damn unsafe urban crap

apparently, my new site looks really jacked up on some people's computers. benji thinks it's due to my "unsafe webfont." if your computer doesn't support the "urban" font i used, then it's going to look very wonky. looks like i've more work to do. suggestions and advice are welcome because i don't know what the hell i'm doing. hee. i'd like to take a poll to see how many of you have experienced the jacked up site.

in other news, you can view my pictures at work at www.angiefisher.com and http://www.terellshahid.com/ and http://www.innersoulrecords.com/. very cool.

we're going to have company until sunday, so ye olde blogge might be a little slow until then.

the floors are mopped, vacummed, tables dusted, windows cleaned, bathtub scrubbed, inscense lit . . . .ah but i love what company will do to you.

why i'm so damned cool

because my new site is up. ladies and gentlemen, may i introduce to you the new home of carissa byers photography which is currently squatting on benji's domain. come right in: http://www.collectiveneurosis.com/.

there are still some design elements to add, some tweaks here and there, a couple of thumbnails that are mysteriously missing links, etc., but this will be the basic idea. i'm still unsure of some of the pictures, so those may change as the wind blows, or as new shoots come up. your help would be greatly appreciated in the form of general to specific feedback and alerts to links/buttons pointing you in odd directions. if you've much to say you can e-mail me at cool_sun_shyne@hotmail.com.

i'm most proud that i learned a program, built a website, and got it up in under 3 days. it should have been 2 days, but something in the program went haywire and changed all my links to oddities, so i had to spend the last day fixing those. the nature of machinery is infuriating.

mmmm, but i am good at jumping right in. i should start putting on my pants both legs at a time and see where that gets me.

why i'm so cool

because i have been busy slaving away over my new website. my photography website. a website i am designing and putting on a server and the whole bit. i don't want to set the expectations too high, but we are looking very cool so far.

benji bought his domain http://www.collectiveneurosis.com the other day and i'm going to be on there once he designs me something to put up for him. and he's paying me to do his website, which is just more incentive. lots of times he asks me to be his supernode and accomplish this and that. i try. but if it gets complicated or i get interrupted, then i usually don't finish it. money talks, i guess.

hopefully i'll have my own domain. maybe i'll buy it with the website money.

accidental post

my blogging friend cat made a comment on the catfood picture. i meant to post this in the "comments," but it was too long and it wouldn't let me. i decided it would be a good post so i pasted it in my posting section and saved it as a "draft." imagine my surprise when i checked my blog and saw this unedited post which is an actual post for all the internet to see, instead of its intended "draft" purposes! hah. it's not even the whole thing. so, since it's already up and has been commented on, i am simply adding this preface so that it will make a little more sense.

*****
cat's comment: You know what I like about you, Carissa? I like that you post these things and see the humour in it. I don't know if you do the yelling and screaming thing at Penn or not when he does stuff like this (you know, discipline ) but you also see the funny in it. I like that. You're a good mom!

*****

my accidental post:

no. i am not a yeller or a screamer and i hope i am able to contain myself when he's older and does things that i tell him he can't do.

this is my philosophy. it has been critisized by practically EVERYONE who bears witness or hears about it, our tales of catfood, or otherwise: it's catfood, for crying out loud. it's just catfood. letting him play with catfood and letting him stroll it all over the house as a baby is not going to turn him into an unproductive idiot of society.

also, letting him chew on the match box, or letting him pull every diaper wipe out of the diaper wipe container or letting him dump the food off of his plate or even--omigawd--picking him up when he cries, or opening the dvd player or unplugging a thing or two; these are not going to kill anybody. so, i let him. it is fun for him and i encourage fun and exploration. i even help him, sometimes.
it's just a mess. when he's done i pick it up. (the cat's actually picked this one up for me) no big deal. one good friend of mine said: you have to teach him that the diaper wipes have to stay in the container to keep them moist. that is their purpose.

no offense good friend of mine but: blah. purpose? penn is learning cause and effect right now. open and close. bang equals loud. etc. nothing wrong with diaper wipe playtime.
especially when it gives mommy 10 free minutes!

i get a lot of unsolicited advice on how i should raise my child and believe it or not my old GRANDMOTHER is my biggest fan. she says it's my baby and i can raise it any ole way i want to----and shockingly she adds, even if it's not the way she raised her kids, or the way she would raise penn. i do a good job, she says. thanks nana!

i want penn to be loved. if you see me not loving my penn, then critique away, otherwise, you just note the happy on that cute face and let me the hell alone.

penn and i are good. really really good. we understand one another. he is my best friend. i can't wait until he's old enough to pick up his own damned mess. hee.

tell my daddy Happy Birthday!!!

happy birthday dad! (november 11th) ---i posted this yesterday, but penn woke up and i went to check on him and fell asleep, so it's a little belated.---

his shirt says pookie

i bought some iron on letters to put penn's name on his little blue sweatshirt. although they give you two of almost all letters, they only give you 1 n, x, z, and q. so. i decided to put "pookie" on his shirt.

when the letters are upside down they are blank squares, unable to reveal their true identity until you press them for 10 seconds. you can imagine my surprise when i discovered my "k" was upside down and backwards. arrggguh.

today he wore his pookie shirt and three young guys came up to penn----penn, i swear, not myself, they didn't even look at me-----and said, "yo little man where'd you get that hat? (the one he picked out) i like that. gonna have to borrow that sometime. i like yo shirt too." and then they walked on.

it's hard to tell, but i think penn's reply was, "yeh, you know you know, just a lil sumpin' sumpin' i picked out. gots to wear some cool threads sometime, know what i'm sayin'?. aight, peace homies."

i did get his name on one shirt. (okay, i bought some extra letters.)

i actually saw another t-shirt that said "future" with a picture of an astronaut on it. i didn't get at first that it was saying "future astronaut" and liked that it called this baby the "future." so---i copied, but i'm still original.

that's little penn's foot that wouldn't quit stepping on the shirt and wrinkling it. he seems to really like this one a lot and runs around the house carrying it.

catfood and politics

today penn took all of the catfood out of the bowl and made a nice trail of the tasty fish flavored x's from the bathroom into the living room where he covered the whole coffee table with it. (these pictures were taken at the beginning of the covering.)

i'm sure he probably snuck some in my guitar too. he's good at that. my guitar is a huge maraca now---full of all kinds of things i have to shake out before i can play.

and of course he tried to eat some as a snack.



.

after the catfood escapade he decided to be weird and step in and out of the laundry basket of yarn. i don't think he really wanted to get in it to play, he just wanted on the other side of it, and didn't want to actually push it out of the way.

thank you for coming. hope you enjoyed the show!

green acorns

random pictures of green acorns.

new addition

on a visit to the pet store i discovered that penn is completely enamered with fish. didn't care much about the birds or dogs or rats, but that wall of fish. that's where it's at. i gave in to the impulse buy and got penn a lovely red beta.

that beta died hours later.

the next day we went to the pet store and talked to the coolest girl who said i looked honest, so despite no reciept or dead fish, i could have another beta, even though i had slowly poisened the last one.

water conditioner! *slaps hand on forehead* doh!

i hope my karma will survive. now we have a lovely blue fish with red fins. his name is fish. not to be confused with our cat whom we named fish, and now call catfish. i call him swimmy fish because he's much more swimmy than the last floaty fish. he's so swimmy that he keeps knocking his plants out of the gravel. join me in welcoming to our family, swimmy fish with his stalker, sexy sady cat.

penn's hat

remember that hat penn picked out himself? i think he did a very good job and i am going to force you to look at a ton of pictures to prove it.

GQ baby

proof that i let him play with matches.

i am so excited to be wearing my hat!

all aboard!

and this is what he does when it's time to take the hat off.

comments start magic act; a dissapearing one

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.


***
HOLY CRAPPOLA! i added haloscan and it ATE all of your precious comments. that sucks. really, it does. i DO NOT remember it saying that i was going to lose my existing comments. you guys wrote some of the greatest things. and now . . . .gone. *sigh* i am sorry. here you may take out your agression on losing your splendid words.

afterthought from piano post

after reading cat's comment about how her parents wouldn't give her piano lessons because they couldn't afford a piano, i remembered this and wanted to share, just in case there are any parents out there who can't afford a piano.

it doesn't matter. we couldn't afford a piano. i didn't have a piano. i started lessons totally pianoless. the big church in town voluneteered me the keys so i could practice there after school and the lodge down the street had a piano and i practiced there too. the lodge piano sucked bootay. it was out of tune and twangy and not one key on the whole deck was complete. (they were all chipped and cracked.) they weighed nothing. the ones that weren't out of tune didn't work at all. i was blessed with a good imagination, hee. i don't remember what else i practiced on, if anything.

when i got into jr. high my dad bought an old piano for $25. (i'm pretty sure. . . it was some ungodly amount.) my father is a master of getting what we need at ridiculously low prices.

off the subject: i remember telling benji how much fun dad and i used to have digging in dumpsters and making cool stuff out of it. benji's reply: oh honey, that's sweet. but it wasn't for fun, it was because you were poor.

on the subject: so i finally had a piano. and a house! (we were previously living in a trailer.) and all was good in the world. and i'm so glad that not having a piano didn't stop my dad from putting me in lessons. so, don't let it stop you either!

the piano

when i was very young my papa had a small cheap keyboard. i have no idea why my papa needed a keyboard. although he never listened to music, that i remember, he was somewhat musically inclined. he played the accordian and "roll out the barrel" to one of the beats on the keyboard, among other little ditty's. i loved the keyboard. i played jingles i heard on commercials and "roll out the barrel" constantly. i played old television show intros. i listened to the little songs programmed into the keyboard and i learned them. i remember my nana coming into the spare bedroom where the keyboard was at and telling me to turn it off. she meant to make it stop playing the song programmed into it. then she saw that it wasn't the keyboard playing, but me. lo and behold, i could play by ear, and surprisingly well for such a tot.

bam. i was in piano lessons. for my first lesson my wonderful teacher----a highly eclectic woman---asked me what i knew. what a weird question. i'm here to learn piano because i don't know how to play piano, i thought. i told her i didn't know anything, really. i played for her "chopsticks," "roll out the barrel," "green acres," and both parts of "heart and soul" at the same time. she was impressed and said we'd do fine.

then we played scales and chords forever and ever. i thought i'd never learn to read a real song. scales and chords with pennies on the backs of my hands to keep them in the proper position, finding notes with a book over my hands so i couldn't see the keyboard, and more scales and chords. forever. then one day she played a song from a sheet of music for me. and then i played it. i READ the music and i PLAYED it! i think it was called "falling leaf" or something like that. i still really like that little song.

i became very good, and more than that, i really enjoyed playing the piano. it was the light of my small life.

then my teacher had to move. all the other piano teachers in town were booked, not to mention we couldn't really afford them anyway.

then the annual fourth grade choir concert came along, of which i was in. while waiting on a ride home from school i was hanging out in the choir room. my choir teacher was in her office. i sat at the piano and played the time away. i played all the songs we were singing for the concert plus a song i had written in the key of e minor. (once i learned that e minor chord i really took off, hee hee.) my teacher came out and asked me how i knew the songs. i told her, "because i heard them." she asked me where i learned the last song and i told her, "i wrote it." she tested me a bit and thought a bit and then sat down on the bench with me and said, very sweetly, "how would you like to be the accompaniest for the concert?" i was so proud. yes. of course i would!

so, i played the whole concert entitled "i love music." at the end of the concert my teacher went to the mike and told the audience the story of why i got to be the accompaniest and then she asked me totally out of the blue, would i play the song i wrote. i was quite unprepared, but went and played it. i even added to it, as even then i could never do the same thing twice in a row. i ended oddly, hah, but i got my first standing ovation.

the piano teachers came out of the woodwork then and i got the best one in town, i think.

she was amazing. she let me get away with things she wouldn't let any other student get away with. we were supposed to have a practice chart and have it signed by our parents. nope. never did that. i tried, but not very hard. she wanted me to play certain pieces, especially ones that capitalized on the speed with which i could play (truly, i think,it's because i've no sense of timing, haha, so i just play fast. but i am capable of playing really fast. so fun.). i wanted to play bizzarre anti melody avant garde pieces. she wanted me to learn hymns. i HATED playing hymns. she wasn't quite sure what to do with me, i don't think. i was a bit rebellious. plus, i think we were always behind on our payments. my dad says we still owe her a payment, poor thing. but, she told me that i had something in me that couldn't be taught, that i could feel the music, and that it was good, so she stayed my teacher nonetheless and she taught me quite a lot.

i got to do a lot of things with piano. i was guest pianist at various churches. i was even a guest player at a very talented person's senior recital, for which i was shocked and honored. i went to a few competitions. i don't think i ever won. some of them were just playing for people who sort of graded you. i also got to record it and a musician friend of mine in denton used it on his album, "c'est cheese."

i remember dad and i going to wal-mart late one night to pick out an outfit for a competition. i don't know why i remember this outfit. we had a hard time finding anything and ended with a blue pleated skirt that i had to roll up at the waist, a big white low v-neck sweater with a blue turtle neck underneath and some borrowed, too-big black pointed toe flats. i had the 80's hair and funky glasses to boot. it was not a pretty picture. i just remember hiking that rolled waist up over and over again. when it was my turn to play i went in and nailed it. my dad was standing outside of the door listening and when i came out he had this little gathering around him that, of course, all knew i was his daughter. they were applauding and i got that one armed wrap around hug that squishes your shoulder into your ear.

and then, sometime around 9th grade, i think, my teacher moved. i never got another teacher after that. i don't think i ever reached my full piano potential.

i kept singing and played trumpet and frenchorn and learned a good bit of the other instruments. (excluding reed instruments. blah. i can't even make a clarinet honk.) early college i got a guitar and can mostly satisfy myself there. i sound better than i am and i have to fake an f chord.

i haven't really played the piano since the middle of highschool.

benji got a keyboard last week to use with his sound design. i still have no idea what the hell he's going to do with it, but haven't quite expressed it. my only concern was because it was expensive, but it's his money so i won't question and look forward to seeing what he comes up with.

again, benji got a keyboard last week, and i dug out some old music. there are things i played in 6th grade that i cannot touch now. i don't know whether i should feel good, because i used to be good, or awful, because i'm so bad now. i've been brushing up. so far i've attempted "invention no. 13" by bach, "rondo alla turca" by mozart, a few prelude's by chopin, "fur elise," of course, by beethoven, and an old favorite, "solfeggietto," by bach. i can get through them, but they are struggles now. going through with the right hand, then the left, then measure by measure then just announcing, "fuck it!" and playing my little heart out, mistakes and all.

i cannot explain to you how good it feels. i'm quite determined to get as much as i can back, and to contenuie to play as often as i can.

yesterday, i played with penn on my lap. i played him right to sleep. i do not know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but i'm quite sure i'll try it again to see if it works.

visual aide plus i really like these pix

here are some pics i took of beautiful jonelle. these pics serve as a bit of a visual aide to the following post. jonelle is one of the most awesome people i know, not to mention my son's godmother. priddy, huh.

jonelle's foot

jonelle with my kitty, sexy sady

overall freeness

my friend jonelle came to my house to visit. she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and when i heard the buzzing sound i went in right after her to make sure she was okay.

she was fine. she was just using her electric toothbrush. my friend, miss herbal granola hiking girl, was using a battery operated toothbrush and looking at me like, "what? why are you looking at me like that?"

yesterday i bought an electric toothbrush. i have no idea what came over me. too many commercials and fancy packaging and it cost only $1 more than a regular toothbrush, so i went for it. let me just say: i love my electric toothbrush and apologies to jonelle for making fun of her.

i also got it free. penn was chewing on it and i handed it to the checkout girl to ring up. she gave it back to penn. i said, "could you ring that up for me?" she didn't ring it up and handed it back to penn. then i waited for ten minutes while they price checked a wire basket i was buying to cage penn's bath toys. they undercharged me for that by $3 and i walked out. i tried. free toothbrush!

then i went the grocery for soymilk. the lines were loooonnnngggg. they always are. i was standing in line for the self checkout with milk, bananas, and two odwalla drinks. i was pointed to a small self checkout that apparently doesn't ring up produce. (i didn't know this.) when the lady told me i asked her what i should do when the lines were so long and i had already waited forever. she rang up everything for me---except the odwalla. i pointed this out to her and she waved me on. i tried. oh well. free odwalla!

today we went to the bookstore. i ordered an iced chai. they didn't have it mixed and i had to wait a minute. he said for my kindness it was on the house. yay! free drink!

unfortunatley it was a bad drink. the wrong chai (spiced-blah!) and so watered down. i took it back and asked if i could request another drink and pay for it. they gave me my iced soy hazelnut latte, for free! (unfortunatley, it also could've been better. having been a barista i am now a coffee snob. *sigh*) i also tried to purchase a peach smoothie for penn to calm the fit he was throwing. i opened it while we were at the cash register and gave him the straw. i noticed he was making a funny noise and discovered his straw was clogged with some disgusting goo. i told the guy about it and said i was going to purchase it, but not with the goo. he got me another one and shook it up. i waited forever and with the shift change they thought i had bought it. i could've walked, but decided not to and paid for it. i later discovered more disgusting goo. oh well.

overall freeness: $12.00

one for the ego

look what i got this a.m.:

______________________________________________________
From : FLAVIO MANTOAN
Sent : Saturday, November 6, 2004 7:16 AM
To : cool_sun_shyne@hotmail.com
Subject : Congratullations for yous pics! :-)

Hello, my name is Flay, i´m a design from Brazil. I have a blog to talk about art, music, draw and etc, just to advise you, I talked about your blog http://www.little_muse.blogspot.com on this site http://www.vixeral.blogspot.com. There I said how much I liked your pics and your art!
_____________________________________________________


i'm so flattered. very cool, i think. wish i could read what he wrote, hah. any translators out there?

it's a boy

here are some "with child" pictures i took recently.