self analyzing-gasms

b.h. wrote me a letter in response to the post "working on my be" which caused me to continue the thought. it was fun, in my head, to ask myself the questions he posed to himself. i've posted some of what he says and my responses. my response is edited and more lengthy than the original letter because i've thought more about it and because i tend to be a rambler. it's long. i'm sorry. if you're here, read at least read the "b.h." stuff, so you can think about it too.

{start}

b.h.: I think - I don't always know what I am talking about. I'm glad someone else is finding something in there. I am much more interested in my actions. I have talked so much in my life. Said so many things. I wrote some of them down, you know? I am curious, how truly they reflect my actions, and how my actions may influence what I say.

me: i've talked a lot too. i used to be young (i'm still young) and everything i said meant something. now, i listen. i listen to other peoples words and i regurgitate them back to myself and whomever is within earshot (or internet shot) in order to better reflect. i believe thoughts are as powerful as words. i believe words are as powerful as actions. thus, i think all you do, think, and say reflect, create really, your actions. because i believe thoughts are as powerful as words, and you can't necessarily see thoughts (i think there is a grey line here, and i'm just noting that for loopholes sake), i believe in energy. energy exists, obviously, but i'm talking about the new age shit. it's out there. it's around you. you are creating it and people are feeling it. when i meet someone, i get this instant snapshot of who they are. i don't know where it comes from. it's sort of like an imprint of their energy. a negative. i see it right there and i know things. i can't say what those things are, really, in words anyway. it is of course, different with every person, but it tells me if i'll like them or not. now----i would never not be friends with someone just because the first time i met them i got a bad imprint of their energy. that would be silly and presumptous of me. but i will note that, in all of my 25 years, i have never been wrong.

b.h.: The thing about running [read "working on my be" to understand "running"] is - as long as someone is watching they're always going to have an opinion on where you're headed. That's what I wish I had said about that . . . also. You know? But I think we're all where we need to BE to learn what we NEED to learn. I need to learn how to fucking stand up and be counted, and I need to learn how to have a good balanced conversation, and a good balanced diet, and not be afraid to get fucked up sometimes. I need to get fucked up sometimes. My natural disposition is too even. If I don't let a fat person sit on one of my seats and drive one side of my seesaw into the ground, I think I get bored. Or I don't trust myself, or my perspective.

me: i don't have a problem with people's opinions on my direction. i try to learn from them and make the negative ones feel bad for being judgmental, ha. i definetly agree that we're where we should be to learn what we should be learning. i've always wondered about status issues. there has to be "bad" for us to know what "good" is, doesn't there? the whole ying ylang dealy-o. there has to be "poor" for there to be "rich," yes? the bottom has to have something to strive for, right? i don't know. i guess if i think that way, i think there just has to be starving ethiopian kids with big eyes and hungry tummies on my television set so that i can understand that i am full and rich and lucky. it's sick, really. i wonder where i stand on the ladder.

what do i need to learn? to not be so goddamned content and really get out there and make it all happen! it's in me. but so is this apathetic contentedness. i'm just happy. it's like my warm white feather blanket wrapped all around me in the morning. i just can't think of a reason i should crawl out of the feather-womb. i'm content. i might stay there all day in feathery happiness with my kitty, if my son didn't demand breakfast.

i liked thinking about "standing up and being counted." i realized, i don't need to stand up. i can be counted just the same sitting down, or lying in the feather womb.

i will never have a good balanced conversation. i'm just too silly. too everywhere with my thoughts. too un-focused (if you've made it this far in the post, you may have noticed.)

my diet is good.

hmmm, do i need to get fucked up? probably. but, i won't. i'm a mommy. i have to stay that way. my son could choke on any given thing at any given moment and i have to be there to get whatever's lodged, back into the open where it belongs. i may not get fucked up until he's 25. i have definitely had my share of being fucked up. it used to be a lifestyle. (this is a metaphor for many things, so don't take it too literally.)

i trust my perspective. i also respect the fact that it is just my perspective, and although valid, it is not the only one in existence.

{end}

thanks for making it to the end. did you have any self analyzing-gasms?

it was good for me.

light cigarette. puff. puff. puff.